Failiure is Every Child's Friend...!!
It's a tensed morning for me today because it's my kids first exam at school. I am a bit worried about how he would deal with it. Though at his age there is no demarcation of pass or fail, but this is the beginning of the first footstep.
When you flip the coin, it rests on either of the two sides. Similarly, when you take up a task or an exam; you either Succeed or you Fail. Success is always given a warm welcome but Failure is often treated as a crime.
Failure: the very word seems to conjure up negative images of red marks streaked across notebooks, angry red circles staring back at us from report cards and that look of disappointment seen on the faces of teachers and parents when you haven’t performed up to par.
Nobody likes to fail. It’s not the best feeling in the world, to know that your efforts didn’t pay off or that you just weren’t as good as the others who worked alongside you. Whether you’re a child in school facing an exam or a writer trying to get manuscript accepted, the expectation is that you will taste success.
Ever seen a kid try to walk for the first time? He stumbles, picks himself up, hits an obstacle, falls again and repeats the cycle till he gets it right. Most times, it can take days, maybe weeks before he can comfortably waddle across the living room without tripping over something.What we must encourage, even as they grow older, is the fumbling metaphorical steps they take: towards a task, an assignment or a tough sport. Cheer them on for the fact that they tried. See the difference it makes. So, always keep trying.
Ever noticed that the ones who keep trying are the ones who are more likely to taste success? This is true of kids as well. It can be frustrating to keep working at a Math problem and realise that you’re not getting it right. Chances are the kid’s going to throw the pencil in the air and declare, ‘I hate maths!’ And this isn’t entirely untrue either.
So what matters here is how we, as parents, respond to that frustration. Do you stand with your hands on your hips and say, ‘You’re not trying. That’s it.’ Or do you ask them to change their approach and look at it from another angle? Gently telling them that it’s okay to make mistakes is very important. Perhaps the problem is a complex one or maybe the kid’s distracted.
Either way, yelling won’t help. Learn to help them value the idea of repeated trials. So while they won’t get it right away, it’s necessary they enjoy the process.
There’s a parable of a man trying to break a large rock by striking at it repeatedly. 20 strikes later, he gets frustrated and walks away. A man who comes along later and swings the hammer at the same rock cracks it open on the first stroke. But the real effort was put in by the first man whose 20 strokes weakened the rock. The second man doesn’t know this so puffs up with pride at his own strength while the first man rues the fact that he gave up due to failure.
Most kids these days fall into the fallacy of the second man’s shoes. They are handicapped by the availability of technology at a very young age. They’ve never had to wait for anything the way we’ve had to. Now that’s a big hurdle for us when we try to tell them that failure is okay.
Chances are it’s going to be met with an eye roll. But, don’t give up. Persevere in letting them know that there is merit in waiting for that 21ststroke which will crack open that rock and reveal the diamond within. This will teach them the importance of hard work. In an age when kids get everything at the swipe of a finger, building this resilience is crucial.I’m a mom and a bit of a Type A personality, so it’s very natural for me to want to fix things, even the seemingly harmless things that my child does. He would often misplace his things and I used to end up buying the same thing again for him. But now, I am wiser and have done something very simple: Taught him that consequences exist for our actions. He won't get things again if he looses them. Initially, it was met with a lot of protests and angry tears, but I stood my ground. It helped me teach him that I wouldn’t always be around to fix his mistakes or cover up his mistakes. It’s worked very well, to be frank. Now he makes a conscious effort to remember things and value them.
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Praise the effort, not the result. This is, by far, the best thing you can teach your kids about failure. It’s the easiest thing in the world to cheer a child who has scored well in an exam. It’s not quite the same for a child who repeatedly finds herself at the bottom of the performance chart. So, what do you do?
Consistently appreciate the effort and encourage self-study. Try and avoid external awards for motivation such as treats and gold stars. These can actually backfire in the long run.As time goes on, you’ll observe an interesting pattern: The child will start improving because the effort itself makes it worthwhile. His smile will be wider when he cracks a problem all by himself without your intervention. His ability to stick with a task improves exponentially over a few months.
None of these things will ensure an academically brilliant kid or a star athlete. And honestly, that’s not the goal here. We’re trying to teach our kids that failure is not only okay; it’s perfect as a bedrock of lessons.
I hope this is enough food for thought today Morning...Do let me know your techniques too to teach such important lessons of life.
Have a great day ahead...
--Ritu
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